Can you have a conversation with a colleague / a friend / family member, and completely disagree with them without getting mad?
Do you feel like you need to make the other person agree with you or else you totally disconnect from them?
We look at some conversations as a competition we want to win.
Most of us are not great at disagreeing with others and staying calm.
Why do we have such a hard time disagreeing with other people and staying calm? Why do we feel like we either need to make the person agree with us or eliminate the person from our lives?
It is incredible that we have a hard time having different ideas about things and we cannot have calm conversations about our disagreements without trying to convince each other to change our mind.
I am here to tell you that you can have a conversation around a topic you care about with somebody that thinks differently or the opposite of what you think and still stay calm and peaceful, and actually enjoy the moment.
When you’re coaching someone, it’s important to remember that your opinion is not relevant. This is why one of the things I’ve learned from coaching people is that my ideas are not meant for other people, they are meant for me.
- My thoughts are for me
- Their thoughts are for them.
And I can help them see their mind and I can help them understand where they might be coming from; and I can offer them different thoughts they may want to consider to think.
But ultimately, what they do and what they want to do and what’s true for them is for them to discover and change if they want to.
Not for me to force or have an opinion about or be upset about. So because I hear so many different things, and I hold space for non-judgment, it makes me a much better communicator; because I can apply those practices and skills to the rest of my life too.
Disagreeing is an art, and in this episode I share my suggestions on how to use disagreement as a way to connect instead of disconnecting, and to gain a better understanding of other people in the world in general.
So here are some suggestions for how you can disagree with someone with style :).
- First of all, you want to be clear about what your beliefs are; and you want to like your reasons for believing those beliefs, because what you believe because your beliefs are the result of your experience and thoughts; they are not an absolute truth.
- Listen to understand what the other person is saying. Be fascinated, be curious about another perspective.
- If you have the instinct to interrupt them and start arguing, just notice it – what are you thinking? what are you feeling? Instead of interrupting them ask them to tell you more and let them elaborate further.
- Be clear with yourself, that the point of you listening carefully to the other person’s point of view is not to agree with them; it is just your effort to understand
- Choose how you want to respond. Don’t let your emotions overwhelm you and instead think about what person do you want to be and what behaviour will reflect the person you want to be.
So try it out. See what you think and leave me a comment or feedback. I would love to hear it!
Warmest,
-Chiara